I hate shopping

...at least clothes shopping. I've never liked it much because my legs are so short and nothing seems to fit me the way they're intended to fit (at least in the way I think they're supposed to fit).

But after months of trying to lose weight to no avail...in fact, I think I gained a pound, I've decided that I'm going to try to be okay with this body if its the one I'm supposed to have. I'm not going to stop working out and trying to eat better, but I'm also not going to stress too much. That's not good for me either. So I went to Kohl's today and spent a lot of money on clothes (okay, the amount is what some people would spend on a pair of boots, but for me it was a lot).

So here's what I scored:

2 pairs of grey dress pants (I hate the word slacks)
2 pairs of black dress pants
1 pair of jeans
1 pair of khaki pants
2 cotton dresses (one that is black and can be dressed up)
1 denim shirt dress
2 bras
3 pairs of panties
a pair of tights (for next winter - they're so warm!)
a bathing suit
1 scarf
1 belt
a pair of arm warmers that I've been coveting all winter
and 3 pairs of shoes
I also got some fabric tack.
And lastly, I almost forgot, I got something for a soon-to-be-mom friend.

I also got my hair cut and ate at one of my favorite breakfast places.

Body Betrayal

I know that none of us have complete control over our bodies and health, but it's still extremely frustrating sometimes. Obviously over the past year or so this has been a struggle for me. The loss of control has become more acute to me as I've gone on more and more medications and supplements to try to prevent inflammation and infection, keep my energy levels up and keep in check the other organs that have gone out of whack.
Today I was betrayed by my body once again. I had decided to try Mirena for birth control. For those not in the know, Mirena is an interuterine device, meaning it is inserted in the uterus and releases hormones for up to five years to prevent pregnancy. I had talked to my gynecologist and after I got a relatively clean bill of health after being treated for cervical abnormalities (surgery last December), we were going to do the insertion today. Unfortunately my cervix will not allow the IUD to pass through to the uterus. He tried a couple times (I tried my damnest not to cry from the cramping) and it wouldn't go. He said he could have forced it, but at the risk of causing infection or other injury, didn't feel that would be a good idea. I started to cry. Not because of the pain (not that it wasn't awful), but because of the betrayal. My body not allowing me to do something I wanted - yet again.
So we went another route. I'm not sure what the cost will be yet - I'm trying not to worry about that - but I went with Implanon instead and I was able to get that done today. Implanon is a small flexible rod that is implanted in my upper arm. It releases the same hormones as Mirena and it is left in for 3 years. I think in a week or so I'll be fine with this option and possibly even see benefits to it compared to Mirena, but I feel so betrayed right now it's hard to see the good side. Thankfully I had included Implanon in my research so it wasn't a completely foreign option to me.
The doctor did tell me something else interesting though that is helping me feel a little better about something else. He said that the problem with  my cervix would probably prevent me from ever birthing a child vaginally. I had already decided that I will not have any more children (hence the long-term contraception) ... partly because I am ready to continue forward with my life with the family I have not and love rather than add to it; and partly because having more children would not be a sound decision with my current (and future) health condition.
But the one hard part in all this for me was the strong desire to have the pregnancy and birth experience I really wanted and had always imagined - a natural one (yeah, yeah, I know I'm nuts). So I guess if that is most likely an impossibility anyway, I can let go of that desire and move forward. I'm going to try to let this bitterness go and enjoy my day off shopping tomorrow and enjoy next week at work before we go on our mini-trip to Chicago.
Oh...and my blood pressure was also pretty high today (and last week when I went to the doc) so I'm a little concerned about that but worrying isn't going to help me much.

So I failed...

I made some grand promises to blog regularly blah blah blah....and I failed at that. However, I have been doing a good job of being a more affectionate girlfriend some of the time. I had no idea how much more busy I would be at work and how that would affect my non-work time.
I am so exhausted at the end of the day right now that I barely make it Annyka's bedtime before I'm crashing. So I've done a poor job of a) blogging and b) working out. And now I'm awake and anxious at 4 am and hoping that a little blog therapy will help me get another hour or so of sleep. Some thoughts this early am:
* I need to get back into the habit of daily (or at least 5 or so days a week) cardio. And not just working out in my basement. I NEED that alone time running, swimming or biking to decompress now more than ever. When I'm dreaming about work and reports, it's not a good thing.
* I want to use some of my tax money (whenever I get it...still waiting...) to make a little home office upstairs. I think it would help me feel a little more in control of the work, but I also need to put a room divider up between the office area and sleeping area so theres no crossover.
* I'm also ready to get this tax money back (and it's pretty hefty this year) so I can fence the yard, pay for my summer vacation and pay back myself and my mom for money I've borrowed out of their accounts while waiting for this money. GRRRRR. I HATE owing money (even when it's just to my own savings accounts). Oh, and of course, pay off medical bills, per usual for my life these days,
* My cat is so happy I was awake at 4 am so I could let him in from the rain. Silly cat.

Okay, going to go attempt sleep again. See you on the flip side.

Love & stuff ... Day 10

I gave myself a Bare Minerals makeover this evening. No way can I spend a half hour on my makeup every morning (I'm not sacrificing sleep for that!), but it does look good and I think it'll be pretty easy to use once I get the hang of it. Of course, I also don't have to use every product every day like I did today either.

So here's before...this is my normal every day no-makeup me (at about 7 pm):

BEFORE

And here is me after Bare Minerals foundation, eye color, mascara and lipstick

AFTER

I don't really want to admit how much better I look ... I know I look tired everyday, but I don't want to be someone who has to "put my face on" to go out. I live a far too active life for that crap. So now, like everything else in my life, I look for the balance.

Oh, and just for fun...here's is a picture of the wild kiddo in her after-school outfit - shorts, tank top and leg warmers and coat on top for outside playing. She was pretending to be a cheerleader and for reason she was cheering for Kentucky. Her dad would be proud.

Love project Days 6-9

Ooooh I'm a bad blogger ... not blogging everyday. Sorry about that.  A quick update:

Chemotherapy kicks my ass. Granted, I know it could be way worse. I'm not nauseous. I'm not losing (much) hair. But it is exhausting. I take my drugs on Friday night and I will sleep hard for at least 10 hours that night...and the next night...and sometimes take two long naps on Saturday. This past Saturday I only got about 8 hours of sleep the previous night and I felt out of it all day. Thankfully Sunday I was feeling better.

I had lunch with my kiddo at school today. She was soooo excited - and so were many of her classmates. After that lunch, I am sooo thankful for the child I have and the "upbringing" (not my favorite word, but it works) she's had. Compared to some of those kids in her class she sits so still and quiet! I don't know how much of that is my work; her preschool's work; or just her nature, but thank God for it! She is also relatively neat (but you wouldn't know it from her room). Some of these kids clothes are so stained ...and I would guess some of it is just from that day! I successfully got Annyka to try a bite of celery and she ate half of a banana in addition to her whole slice of pizza. My biggest struggles with her are over food. She just doesn't eat enough.

And for the record, even though I've been a lazy blogger, I have not been lazy overall! I have worked out each day. Saturday was only about 15 minutes of stretching and core work, but it was something. Yesterday I ran on the treadmill. Have I mentioned I hate the treadmill? Because I HATE the treadmill. But I did it. Today...we'll see when I get home.

I'll get a photo up this evening.

See this...

That's my "core." It's okay right now, but traditionally my midsection is not something I've struggled with so I want it to be better...stronger, slimmer, tighter. So that was the focus of today's workout. We'll see what happens.

What day am I on again? .... Day 5 (Friday 2/18)

I have a love-hate relationship with jeans. I am a jeans person. I am comfortable in them...well when I can find a pair that fits me. And that is the hate part. Are jeans that fit this difficult for everyone? For them to not be tight, they pretty much seem to be too big at the waist. If they fit my waist, I can barely zip them because of my hips. If they fit my hips, they're big and gappy at the waist. And then of course we have the length issue. My legs are about 6 inches long (only exaggerating a little) so I can only buy from a couple stores and can't ever get any of the trendier styles. Currently the two pairs that fit me "best" right now are both cut off since they were too long.
The parts I love...how they get more comfortable with time; how you can make the right ones dressy or casual; and that my rear tends to look pretty nice in jeans.

I did do something else yesterday for ME and only ME. I finally decided to get Bare Minerals makeup. I am now waiting for it to arrive in the mail. Oh and lastly; I RAN on Friday! Like on my feet outside on the sidewalk and no ankles collapsed. :)

I didn't manage to get around to taking any pictures yesterday - alternate Fridays are always a little busy for me. Work, rushing to pick Annyka up and take her to meet her dad in eastern Indiana, then back home for a late dinner in Indy and Scott and I usually spend the evening together since he works too much on weekends now.  So sorry no Friday picture. I promise I'll have something for Saturday.

Running out of song titles....day 4

I'm tired. I need more sleep (7-8 hours/night is not enough for me any more). I'm having trouble concentrating. I forgot my gym bag so no lunch time run for me today  - yeah, I was going to attempt 1.5 miles. First run since November. I think my ankle is ready now that there are fewer obstacles (read: ice) on the sidewalks. But I will somehow get a workout in tonight. Maybe I'll add to this posting later today...maybe not. We shall see, eh?

Me, tired, at work...and evidently with a stray bit of hair sticking out of the side of my head.