Like a butterfly

I constantly feel like I'm transforming. I realize that's not a terrible thing. In fact, I kind of like change (is that blasphemous for a human to admit? Aren't we supposed to hate it?). It makes me giddy sometimes. BUT sometimes I just want to BE. To sit still for a few seconds and enjoy.

I think that's part of what's holding me back in my current relationship. I like him. I have fun as "us." Part of me wants to move in together, but that means I'll be transforming into something else. No longer a "single mom" - something I've been longer than I was a wife (yeah, I officially passed the divorced longer than married point). And then this part of me says but but but what if he wants to have another kid right away? What if we just keep moving forward and never stop to figure out what's going on NOW. How can I just stop time and be here?

In the last ten years I went from college student, to engaged college student, to engaged adult (although now I look back on it and consider myself more of a pseudo-adult), to jilted adult, to new-relationship adult, married adult, married mom, divorced single mom, dating mom (scary, really quite frightening), in-a-relationship but still living independently of him mom...am I really ready to add another stage in this short period of time? (Yikes, when did 10 years become a relatively "short period of time" in my life?)

Musing done.

Marriage to a 4-yr-old

In response to DJs talking on the radio

ANNYKA (4-yr-old): Mom, Do you want to marry someone else?

ME: Yes, I think I do. Do you know anyone I should marry?

ANNYKA: No, I can’t think of anyone.

ME: You can’t think of any men you think I should marry?

ANNYKA: No, just pick someone.

ME: Yeah, that seems like as good of an idea as any. [but I probably shouldn't tell my boyfriend that]

A day of doubts

Sometimes I need the reminder. Sometimes I need someone to say “…It’s okay that you’re still single…It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you…It doesn’t mean that you will always be single…it probably means that when you do start dating the right guy it’s more likely to work out because you waited for him…” blah blah blah.

I know that this is a tough time of year for me. My birthday has been for the last several years. It seems like holidays are supposed to be spent with your family and I have plenty of that, but birthday are supposed to be spent partying with your favorite peers…I’m not sure I have so many of those that really care. Do most people have to plan their own birthday parties, or is that just me?

Am I happy for my friends that got engaged last week (2)? Yes. Does it hurt that one of them just got divorced earlier this year and I’ve been divorced over three? Yes. Is it okay for me to admit that? I don’t know.

Am I soooo excited to get two new second cousins (ETA: make that three) in a few months? Very much. Am I heartbroken that I want another child so badly, but that it may be too late by the time I find that guy up in paragraph one? Yeah, more than you know.

Do I feel horribly guilty about these feelings? You betcha. Should I? Don’t know. Is this just human?

I know there’s a possibility I’ve found him.

Enough doubting myself for today. Maybe now that these questions and doubts are out there, they’ll stop bouncing around in my head.

The well has run dry

So I've been dating for about three years. Three long, sometimes fun, sometimes painful years. Although I met my share of boys and men when I was a younger gal, I never did much dating. I was in high school and college. You didn't date. No one had money and instead you just sent your friends on covert (or not so covert) missions to find out if the guy you liked might be interested. Then you meet up at a party or other gathering. Not much true dating involved. I did ask a few guys to dances my freshman year and one to a play (ah Cory Kloehne, my cute, fluent in German friend). And my college sweetheart did take me to dinner at Chi Chis for a first date, but those are about the only ones I remember that fit into the awkward getting-to-know-you-how-do-I-act dating category.

Then I got divorced at the age of 27. That high school and college way of meeting guys just does not work anymore.

I have a few options: 1) bar hop and pick up guys hoping that one of these drunken encounters will develop into more. I don?t have a lot of confidence in this as this is how I ended up with my ex-husband (that and rebounding from aforementioned college sweetheart-cum-fiance). 2) Beg or hope my friends and family will set me up. I'm actually open to this, but so many of my friends and family are so far removed from the singles scene, it doesn't seem to be working. The one blind date I went on that was set up in this manner had less than stellar results (but that's what happens when the person doing the setup tells one party the other is spiritually "lost" and indicates she needs to be saved). 3) Being out and about enjoying life: participating in events, getting involved in organizations, etc. I do my fair share of this, but it has resulted in ZERO so far. Or 4) online dating. So this is where the majority of the men in my life have come from in the last few years. I have my opinions on why this works or not (maybe I'll share those later). Anyway, now that I've jabbered on for a while, here's my point:

I seem to have cycled through all the single men in the metro area. I can think of 5 or 6 different sites I have used to meet people at some point in the past three years and now the same guys are popping up on new online dating sites. And they don?t seem to remember that they have chatted with me before. Maybe this is really my fault for having a good memory. Plus there's also the guys who are on the same site that are contacting me for the second or third time and don't act like they know they have contacted me before. That worries me. It makes me think maybe they just throw everything up on the wall until something sticks - that they message every female just to see who will respond. I'm a lot more selective about who I will message.

So I guess I hoping the latest man in my life will make all this obsolete. I really don't like the playing the field game. The guessing sucks the most. I don't like a lot of uncertainty in my life. I'd rather know what to expect.

In deep smit

I might be crazy, a little delusional. Maybe I'm living on fantasies that may never come true...


BUT I'm happy. So do I really care if it might just be pretend? If its ridiculous to think that life really could work out the way I want it to? Can I still revel in the feeling of floating on air for a few days?


Don't crazy people deserve to be happy too? :D

Monogamy & Dishonesty...Hand in hand?

Repost: originally written October 29, 2006

I'm stuck somewhere in the middle of wanting to know what's out there in terms of dating & men, but not wanting to deal with it. I know I'm not the only one that feels this way, in fact I would bet there are a great many people that feel the same way.

I am scared of commitment, not because I can't be faithful or focus on one guy, I have no problem with that; but because commitment to me means vulnerable. Opening myself up to get hurt. When I get into a relationship, I am in 100% I will not be flirting online with other guys (well, not much), going out and looking for guys to dance with in clubs, etc. And I expect the same. I've been hurt before, badly. I know all the tricks people use to have clandestine relationships and it hurts so badly when you find out about them.

First there's this feeling I get in the pit of my stomach like I've been punched and I have no idea where it came from. Then I begin to shake. I don't know if I should be sad, angry, confused.
There's not a right or wrong reaction. And then I have to decide do I confront and listen to the denials and choose to believe them, but still always have doubt? Or investigate further to gather more dirt, and if I do that, can I bear to know what is truly happening? And how much of it will be the truth and how much just my perception?

Over a three-and-a-half year span I had evidence ranging from phone calls from jaded ex-husbands, text messages professing love, phone numbers and credit cards for hotels, IMs from other women mentioning trysts, flower receipts, bras that didn't belong to me.....and he never did admit anything.

Was I not enough? Or was it a fatal flaw in him? Or does our society just not support monogamy anymore? What is so badly missing in our lives that we have to search for validation from so many members of the opposite sex? I'm not saying I haven't been guilty of looking for acceptance in the form of sexual attraction, but why are we like this? Is this God's cruel way of demonstrating "free will?"

These are the reasons I'm afraid of commitment. I'm afraid I'm going to get my heart ripped apart. Its so much easier to not make an investment into one person so I can't be hurt, but I know ultimately I will miss out on a lot. Even just casual flirting online has hurt me when I find out the guy I've been talking to lied about not having a significant other. I've never met the man and I don't have any claim to him, so why lie to me? Why not just tell me the truth..."my wife is asleep (or at work) and I just wanna chat." How hard is that? What part of cheating and lying is fun and exciting? I just don't get it.

Then there are the people that I know that do not agree with monogamy and choose to live their lives openly. I respect that, but have lots of questions about it. For those in an open marriage, did you decide this before getting married? Did you take traditional vows or amend them to fit your lifestyle? Does your husband or wife know who, when and where you are with another person?

No real resolution is coming from this blog, I'm just feeling a little frustrated with and confused by people today.

Perception

Repost: Originally written October 27, 2006　
　
Something that has plagued my brain lately is the concept of perception. I have a theory that everyone views this world completely differently, but that we are able to identify with each other only through the vocabulary society has created for us to describe the world around us. As I write this, it doesn't really explain what I mean (and noted, there are flaws in my theory), but I will attempt at an example: Colors.

If I had to choose a favorite color it would be red. Your favorite color might be blue (it might not be, but bear with me). What if the hue that I see as red is what you see as blue. Maybe my green is your purple…. However, we both call a fire truck red because that is what we've been taught to call it. We call the sky blue because that's what we've been taught. I would love to get inside someone else's brain sometime and just see what they see. How is it different from what I see? And not just visually, but emotionally and philosophically.

This has bothered me lately because of my single status. As a single person I am regularly asked to describe myself to strange men (and by strange I mean unfamiliar to me, not unusual although some of them undoubtedly are odd). I try to do this accurately, but how in the world am I supposed to describe myself as others see me when I have no idea how others see me? Sometimes I think I'm being arrogant, making myself seem better than others probably see me. Other times I think I'm selling myself short, but I have no idea whats truly accurate.

To further complicate matters what is accurate to one person may not be to another—because a huge part of our own perception has to do with our past experiences. What may seem like "outgoing" to one person, is "pushy" to another. Or on a more physical slant, what may be "curvy" to one man is "a fat-ass" to another (by the way, if you're willing to describe anyone as a fat-ass, you're not worth my time. The only reason I use it here is because recently I saw this on someone's profile and it pissed me off).

There are certain things that I think are positive traits I possess, but I wonder what others really think about them: my curiosity (some might say "Does she ever stop asking questions?"), my love of educating others ("What a know-it-all"), I am straightforward ("blunt, abrupt, rude"even though I do know what tact is), practical & realistic ("pessimistic"—not true, I believe things are good and will get better most of the time), communicative ("Please shut up"), passionate ("emotional & moody"), etc.

I've told people for years I'm a bit of a contradiction because I am a creative analyst, a dominant leader who follows the rules, an artistic mind that understands math. I took a personality test (DISC) that scored me as a high D/C (equal numbers for both)—Dominant Conformist. Supposedly that is extremely unusual and seemingly an oxymoron. But that's me.

I suspect more people are actually more balanced (and contridictory) than they think, but at some point in their lives they were convinced they fit into a specific category and honed that instead of allowing themselves to become more rounded. Balance is probably the one most important goals in my life. Yes, I want to find true love and happiness, but I don't think that would be possible without balance.

***at some point here, this blog went a bit awry and off subject, but that's the beauty of the blog—I don't give a f***. I can say whatever I want!***

Okay back to my point about perception. I think I know things about me and I think when I describe myself, I'm giving them my best traits, but maybe I'm not. And if I'm actually portraying a different perception than I think, how do I change that? And who's going to pipe up and tell me?

Physically people think I'm "cute." I guess it could be worse, but sometimes I want to be glamorous or beautiful or sophisticated. I want people to look up when I walk in a room (instead they can't see my head over the normal-height people) and say "Wow." But besides my wedding (and its kind of required then), I doubt that's going to happen. At least I have been told I can light up a room with my smile.

I was told last night that I am amazingly sensual and captivating (and I wasn't trying). He (and he knows who he is) said he couldn't stop thinking about my eyes (and by eyes I'm sure he meant boobs, but still). I never think of myself like that. And as much as I loved hearing it and I can't stop thinking about it, it makes me wonder what he sees that I don't. Its also kind of funny that they way I see him is not at all how he sees himself (thank God both of us are able to talk openly about ourselves).

Of course some days I look in the mirror and I feel unattractive, and it doesn't help that every height-weight chart makes me feel worse (I should probably start a campaign to burn all of them—stupid body-type Nazis). But my friends tell me I look great. Do I look great because they can overlook my physical flaws to see my inner beauty? Do I really look great and even a stranger would say that? Or do I really look like crap and they just don't want to hurt my feelings because they care about me?

And another thing that has been brought to my attention lately is the MILF (I knew about the concept of MILFs, but hadn't thought of myself in that way). Am I a MILF? Do I want to be? Is it a good thing or a bad thing? Don't know, can't decide if I care.

Well, my lunch hour is over so I'm going to have to revisit this another day, but if anyone besides me actually reads this and has any thoughts on it--even if you don't know me, please let me know!

The Missing Connection

Repost: originally written October 17, 2006

For those of us that are single and sexual, most of us are searching for something. Some of us know what that is, some of us have no idea. Some of us pretend we are happy being single, finding our thrills with whomever we can. Pretending sexual flattery is enough of a connection to keep up happy. I'm done kidding myself. I know that's not enough. I realize I've only been single for 7 months and I've only really been playing the field, so to speak, for about 3 months. I had my fun and now I'm looking for a connection. But unfortunately that connection isn't as easy as many of us wish it was (but that's what makes it so fabulous when you finally find it).

I think I've realized what is missing in the connections I've made so far. The ideal connection to me would be made up of three major factors:

• Physical--the most basic and often the easiest to find. This is usually the inital connection, but it isn't enough to last. Its fun to feel and great to know you have the power to make this connection, but oh so fleeting.

• Emotional--this is when that person makes you laugh and smile and makes you feel all warm inside. I know I've found this when I want to do nice things for another person to make them feel special. I want them to think of me as a friend as well as be attracted to me. But because I tend to smile and laugh easily so this isn't always a challenge either.

• Intellectual--this to me is what I have been missing. It encompasses a lot, and its hard to find. If I don't find this within a relationship, the relationship starts to lose meaning for me. I don't feel challenged and I start to look elsewhere for this connection. I want someone who will discuss books and movies and issues; can understand debate is not about anger, but growth; is willing to consider new points of view; has morals, but also has his own beliefs (not just those that have been fed to him) that support those morals. I don't know that I have ever truly found this in a person that I also have the physical and emotional connection with. My "soulmate" would have this quality.

The benefit of meeting people that I have spoken to online first is often that I have had the chance to find out if there is much of an emotional or intellectual connection before fully exploring the physical, but as a sexually charged 20-something-year-old, it doesn't always matter because at some point the physical always comes into play! So I guess now, I'm looking for someone who can fit all these criteria and I now know I shouldn't settle. I could go by the checklist I put together before, but really regardless of all those things, if I don't feel the connection in these three areas, everything else is useless.