Monday, November 9, 2009

Like a butterfly

I constantly feel like I'm transforming. I realize that's not a terrible thing. In fact, I kind of like change (is that blasphemous for a human to admit? Aren't we supposed to hate it?). It makes me giddy sometimes. BUT sometimes I just want to BE. To sit still for a few seconds and enjoy.

I think that's part of what's holding me back in my current relationship. I like him. I have fun as "us." Part of me wants to move in together, but that means I'll be transforming into something else. No longer a "single mom" - something I've been longer than I was a wife (yeah, I officially passed the divorced longer than married point). And then this part of me says but but but what if he wants to have another kid right away? What if we just keep moving forward and never stop to figure out what's going on NOW. How can I just stop time and be here?

In the last ten years I went from college student, to engaged college student, to engaged adult (although now I look back on it and consider myself more of a pseudo-adult), to jilted adult, to new-relationship adult, married adult, married mom, divorced single mom, dating mom (scary, really quite frightening), in-a-relationship but still living independently of him I really ready to add another stage in this short period of time? (Yikes, when did 10 years become a relatively "short period of time" in my life?)

Musing done.

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