Sunday, June 28, 2009

Monogamy & Dishonesty...Hand in hand?

Repost: originally written October 29, 2006

I'm stuck somewhere in the middle of wanting to know what's out there in terms of dating & men, but not wanting to deal with it. I know I'm not the only one that feels this way, in fact I would bet there are a great many people that feel the same way.

I am scared of commitment, not because I can't be faithful or focus on one guy, I have no problem with that; but because commitment to me means vulnerable. Opening myself up to get hurt. When I get into a relationship, I am in 100% I will not be flirting online with other guys (well, not much), going out and looking for guys to dance with in clubs, etc. And I expect the same. I've been hurt before, badly. I know all the tricks people use to have clandestine relationships and it hurts so badly when you find out about them.

First there's this feeling I get in the pit of my stomach like I've been punched and I have no idea where it came from. Then I begin to shake. I don't know if I should be sad, angry, confused.
There's not a right or wrong reaction. And then I have to decide do I confront and listen to the denials and choose to believe them, but still always have doubt? Or investigate further to gather more dirt, and if I do that, can I bear to know what is truly happening? And how much of it will be the truth and how much just my perception?

Over a three-and-a-half year span I had evidence ranging from phone calls from jaded ex-husbands, text messages professing love, phone numbers and credit cards for hotels, IMs from other women mentioning trysts, flower receipts, bras that didn't belong to me.....and he never did admit anything.

Was I not enough? Or was it a fatal flaw in him? Or does our society just not support monogamy anymore? What is so badly missing in our lives that we have to search for validation from so many members of the opposite sex? I'm not saying I haven't been guilty of looking for acceptance in the form of sexual attraction, but why are we like this? Is this God's cruel way of demonstrating "free will?"

These are the reasons I'm afraid of commitment. I'm afraid I'm going to get my heart ripped apart. Its so much easier to not make an investment into one person so I can't be hurt, but I know ultimately I will miss out on a lot. Even just casual flirting online has hurt me when I find out the guy I've been talking to lied about not having a significant other. I've never met the man and I don't have any claim to him, so why lie to me? Why not just tell me the truth..."my wife is asleep (or at work) and I just wanna chat." How hard is that? What part of cheating and lying is fun and exciting? I just don't get it.

Then there are the people that I know that do not agree with monogamy and choose to live their lives openly. I respect that, but have lots of questions about it. For those in an open marriage, did you decide this before getting married? Did you take traditional vows or amend them to fit your lifestyle? Does your husband or wife know who, when and where you are with another person?

No real resolution is coming from this blog, I'm just feeling a little frustrated with and confused by people today.


Repost: Originally written October 27, 2006 
Something that has plagued my brain lately is the concept of perception. I have a theory that everyone views this world completely differently, but that we are able to identify with each other only through the vocabulary society has created for us to describe the world around us. As I write this, it doesn't really explain what I mean (and noted, there are flaws in my theory), but I will attempt at an example: Colors.

If I had to choose a favorite color it would be red. Your favorite color might be blue (it might not be, but bear with me). What if the hue that I see as red is what you see as blue. Maybe my green is your purple…. However, we both call a fire truck red because that is what we've been taught to call it. We call the sky blue because that's what we've been taught. I would love to get inside someone else's brain sometime and just see what they see. How is it different from what I see? And not just visually, but emotionally and philosophically.

This has bothered me lately because of my single status. As a single person I am regularly asked to describe myself to strange men (and by strange I mean unfamiliar to me, not unusual although some of them undoubtedly are odd). I try to do this accurately, but how in the world am I supposed to describe myself as others see me when I have no idea how others see me? Sometimes I think I'm being arrogant, making myself seem better than others probably see me. Other times I think I'm selling myself short, but I have no idea whats truly accurate.

To further complicate matters what is accurate to one person may not be to another—because a huge part of our own perception has to do with our past experiences. What may seem like "outgoing" to one person, is "pushy" to another. Or on a more physical slant, what may be "curvy" to one man is "a fat-ass" to another (by the way, if you're willing to describe anyone as a fat-ass, you're not worth my time. The only reason I use it here is because recently I saw this on someone's profile and it pissed me off).

There are certain things that I think are positive traits I possess, but I wonder what others really think about them: my curiosity (some might say "Does she ever stop asking questions?"), my love of educating others ("What a know-it-all"), I am straightforward ("blunt, abrupt, rude"even though I do know what tact is), practical & realistic ("pessimistic"—not true, I believe things are good and will get better most of the time), communicative ("Please shut up"), passionate ("emotional & moody"), etc.

I've told people for years I'm a bit of a contradiction because I am a creative analyst, a dominant leader who follows the rules, an artistic mind that understands math. I took a personality test (DISC) that scored me as a high D/C (equal numbers for both)—Dominant Conformist. Supposedly that is extremely unusual and seemingly an oxymoron. But that's me.

I suspect more people are actually more balanced (and contridictory) than they think, but at some point in their lives they were convinced they fit into a specific category and honed that instead of allowing themselves to become more rounded. Balance is probably the one most important goals in my life. Yes, I want to find true love and happiness, but I don't think that would be possible without balance.

***at some point here, this blog went a bit awry and off subject, but that's the beauty of the blog—I don't give a f***. I can say whatever I want!***

Okay back to my point about perception. I think I know things about me and I think when I describe myself, I'm giving them my best traits, but maybe I'm not. And if I'm actually portraying a different perception than I think, how do I change that? And who's going to pipe up and tell me?

Physically people think I'm "cute." I guess it could be worse, but sometimes I want to be glamorous or beautiful or sophisticated. I want people to look up when I walk in a room (instead they can't see my head over the normal-height people) and say "Wow." But besides my wedding (and its kind of required then), I doubt that's going to happen. At least I have been told I can light up a room with my smile.

I was told last night that I am amazingly sensual and captivating (and I wasn't trying). He (and he knows who he is) said he couldn't stop thinking about my eyes (and by eyes I'm sure he meant boobs, but still). I never think of myself like that. And as much as I loved hearing it and I can't stop thinking about it, it makes me wonder what he sees that I don't. Its also kind of funny that they way I see him is not at all how he sees himself (thank God both of us are able to talk openly about ourselves).

Of course some days I look in the mirror and I feel unattractive, and it doesn't help that every height-weight chart makes me feel worse (I should probably start a campaign to burn all of them—stupid body-type Nazis). But my friends tell me I look great. Do I look great because they can overlook my physical flaws to see my inner beauty? Do I really look great and even a stranger would say that? Or do I really look like crap and they just don't want to hurt my feelings because they care about me?

And another thing that has been brought to my attention lately is the MILF (I knew about the concept of MILFs, but hadn't thought of myself in that way). Am I a MILF? Do I want to be? Is it a good thing or a bad thing? Don't know, can't decide if I care.

Well, my lunch hour is over so I'm going to have to revisit this another day, but if anyone besides me actually reads this and has any thoughts on it--even if you don't know me, please let me know!

Do You Believe?

Repost: originally written October 25, 2006

I have a pet peeve--okay really I have a million pet peeves (like people who exaggerate all the time), but one is bugging me today: People who say they don't "believe" in things that are real and tangible.

A client told one of my co-workers today he "doesn't believe in voicemail." You can't not believe in voicemail, it exists. It will exist whether you like it or not. You don't have to use it or agree with it is, but it is real. I also hate it when people say they don't believe in abortion. What? You don't think doctors perform abortions? That abortions are an urban legend created by politicians? Again, maybe you don't agree with abortion, maybe you do not believe it is morally right, but you do believe it exists don't you?

You can say you don't believe in ghosts or or heaven or hell. You can say you don't believe in reincarnation or pyschic powers or miracles or evolution (okay maybe this one is controversial--this is not about evolution vs. creationism), but you cannot say you don't believe in things that obviously exist.

Friday, June 26, 2009

I'm Bad?

The past 15 or so hours have been a little bewildering to me. I was at the pool when I found out Michael Jackson had died (although for about 15 minutes there were various rumors flying via text messages). One neighbor rushed home to plan a Michael Jackson tribute party. Two others rushed into the clubhouse to watch the news when they found out. And the resident teen drama queen (who was barely alive when MJ was actually making music) started wailing and crying loudly. I returned home 30 or so minutes later to see entire pages full of status updates on Facebook all referring to the death. Really? This is the biggest thing going on in our lives? Does this event deserve 3/4 of the front page of the paper?

I was over the whole drama of Jackson’s recent life a long time ago. As a musical genius he was pretty much already dead to me.

I don’t get attached to celebrities. I never have. Even as a sixth grader when my friends collected Tiger Beat posters of Kirk Cameron and the ever favorite New Kids, I never really understood it. I think the vast majority of the people we consider celebrities are pretty normal people with jobs that put them in the public eye (I’m sure there are a few who really are larger than life, but I assume they are few and far between).

I personally don’t believe Michael Jackson, as a person, was one of those people. I think he was an amazing musician, with an eye for progressive choreography and a knack for reflecting world issues in his music at times. However, at the time of his death he was past his prime and most of the positive he contributed to the world seemed to be complete. I feel empathy for his family, his loved ones, but no more than I would for any other family I do not know personally who has suddenly lost one of their own.

Death is a part of life. It is inevitable and it is not necessarily a bad thing. I do mourn for those who had an impact on my life, but because I am a little unusual for my generation and do not feel the beat of music under my skin, the death of MJ has not been a defining moment in my life.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

The Missing Connection

Repost: originally written October 17, 2006

For those of us that are single and sexual, most of us are searching for something. Some of us know what that is, some of us have no idea. Some of us pretend we are happy being single, finding our thrills with whomever we can. Pretending sexual flattery is enough of a connection to keep up happy. I'm done kidding myself. I know that's not enough. I realize I've only been single for 7 months and I've only really been playing the field, so to speak, for about 3 months. I had my fun and now I'm looking for a connection. But unfortunately that connection isn't as easy as many of us wish it was (but that's what makes it so fabulous when you finally find it).

I think I've realized what is missing in the connections I've made so far. The ideal connection to me would be made up of three major factors:

  • Physical--the most basic and often the easiest to find. This is usually the inital connection, but it isn't enough to last. Its fun to feel and great to know you have the power to make this connection, but oh so fleeting.

  • Emotional--this is when that person makes you laugh and smile and makes you feel all warm inside. I know I've found this when I want to do nice things for another person to make them feel special. I want them to think of me as a friend as well as be attracted to me. But because I tend to smile and laugh easily so this isn't always a challenge either.

  • Intellectual--this to me is what I have been missing. It encompasses a lot, and its hard to find. If I don't find this within a relationship, the relationship starts to lose meaning for me. I don't feel challenged and I start to look elsewhere for this connection. I want someone who will discuss books and movies and issues; can understand debate is not about anger, but growth; is willing to consider new points of view; has morals, but also has his own beliefs (not just those that have been fed to him) that support those morals. I don't know that I have ever truly found this in a person that I also have the physical and emotional connection with. My "soulmate" would have this quality.

The benefit of meeting people that I have spoken to online first is often that I have had the chance to find out if there is much of an emotional or intellectual connection before fully exploring the physical, but as a sexually charged 20-something-year-old, it doesn't always matter because at some point the physical always comes into play! So I guess now, I'm looking for someone who can fit all these criteria and I now know I shouldn't settle. I could go by the checklist I put together before, but really regardless of all those things, if I don't feel the connection in these three areas, everything else is useless.

Pinch me, am I real?

Repost: originally written September 2006

Sometimes I feel invisible. Not around my family or anything, but at work. People see me and say things like "I didn't know you still worked here" (I've been here for over 4 years) or "Oh, I forgot you guys worked over there." I'm constantly being left off of mass emails and memos intended for my "team." I think I may have been invisible in high school too. I can't decide if this bothers me or not. I guess it doesn't bother me that much because it doesn't mean anything in the grand scheme of things. Does anyone who seriously believes their glory days were in high school go on to bigger things?

On paper, I was an involved active member of my high school, but in reality I must have been invisible. In June my graduating class had its class reunion (notice I said its, not our). I wasn't invited. I haven't moved far away, I still see some of the people I graduated with regularly and my parents have lived in the same house for 16 years. I swear I could move to Antarctica and the alumni society at my college would still manage to find me and ask for money, but somehow my former classmates couldn't find me. I was in classes with these people for 13 years, graduated 3rd in my class (don't get me started on why I wasn't salutatorian), was a varsity athlete and president of the National Honor Society. Or was I?

When I got to college, I felt like that was where I belonged. Sometimes I think my life began when I left the state for college in 1996. I have a lot of great memories of growing up, but evidently I was invisible up to that point. I guess I'd rather be invisible backstage than be in the spotlight and have everyone criticize my mistakes, be a monkey on my back (ha ha, monkeys are funny) and glorify the drama in my life.

Easy to be a man

Repost: originally written September 2006

I dont want to be a man. I like having breasts and hips and being able to get things by using those assets. I like being able to have multiple orgasms and being able to wear underwear that were intended for the opposite sex (ie boxers) without too much flack. But on days like today, I wish I were a man.

Today is the day I have to go to the doctor for my annual exam. Most men I know dont even go in for an annual physical of any kind and the really difficult part for them (the dreaded prostate exam) doesnt even start until they are 50. Ive been having these damn exams every year since I was a teenager.

And when was the last time a man went in to the doctor and had an open discussion about birth control options? Oh, that right, its my responsibility to make sure I m protected from getting pregnant with the pill or whatever. All he has to do is buy condoms occasionally and get congratulated by the 17-year-old bagboy at Walmart for getting laid. By the way, I also have no sympathy for any embarrassment a man may whine about for having to buy tampons for his girlfriend/wife. Its a small price to pay, we are the ones with the period.

Plus, in the next 10 years, Im probably going to have to start getting mammograms too. Cant wait for that. And dont forget I also carried another human being in my body for the better part of a year! What man would sacrifice his cigar smoking, drinking and general way of life for that? I would also like to pee without sitting down, but that's another story.

All right, Im done bitching. But Id love to hear any arguments for or against what I have to say. If you are a male reading this and you think women are the ones that have it easy, please defend yourself. Id love to hear about it! ;)