Repost: originally written October 29, 2006
I'm stuck somewhere in the middle of wanting to know what's out there in terms of dating & men, but not wanting to deal with it. I know I'm not the only one that feels this way, in fact I would bet there are a great many people that feel the same way.
I am scared of commitment, not because I can't be faithful or focus on one guy, I have no problem with that; but because commitment to me means vulnerable. Opening myself up to get hurt. When I get into a relationship, I am in 100% I will not be flirting online with other guys (well, not much), going out and looking for guys to dance with in clubs, etc. And I expect the same. I've been hurt before, badly. I know all the tricks people use to have clandestine relationships and it hurts so badly when you find out about them.
First there's this feeling I get in the pit of my stomach like I've been punched and I have no idea where it came from. Then I begin to shake. I don't know if I should be sad, angry, confused.
There's not a right or wrong reaction. And then I have to decide do I confront and listen to the denials and choose to believe them, but still always have doubt? Or investigate further to gather more dirt, and if I do that, can I bear to know what is truly happening? And how much of it will be the truth and how much just my perception?
Over a three-and-a-half year span I had evidence ranging from phone calls from jaded ex-husbands, text messages professing love, phone numbers and credit cards for hotels, IMs from other women mentioning trysts, flower receipts, bras that didn't belong to me.....and he never did admit anything.
Was I not enough? Or was it a fatal flaw in him? Or does our society just not support monogamy anymore? What is so badly missing in our lives that we have to search for validation from so many members of the opposite sex? I'm not saying I haven't been guilty of looking for acceptance in the form of sexual attraction, but why are we like this? Is this God's cruel way of demonstrating "free will?"
These are the reasons I'm afraid of commitment. I'm afraid I'm going to get my heart ripped apart. Its so much easier to not make an investment into one person so I can't be hurt, but I know ultimately I will miss out on a lot. Even just casual flirting online has hurt me when I find out the guy I've been talking to lied about not having a significant other. I've never met the man and I don't have any claim to him, so why lie to me? Why not just tell me the truth..."my wife is asleep (or at work) and I just wanna chat." How hard is that? What part of cheating and lying is fun and exciting? I just don't get it.
Then there are the people that I know that do not agree with monogamy and choose to live their lives openly. I respect that, but have lots of questions about it. For those in an open marriage, did you decide this before getting married? Did you take traditional vows or amend them to fit your lifestyle? Does your husband or wife know who, when and where you are with another person?
No real resolution is coming from this blog, I'm just feeling a little frustrated with and confused by people today.