Repost: Originally written October 27, 2006
Something that has plagued my brain lately is the concept of perception. I have a theory that everyone views this world completely differently, but that we are able to identify with each other only through the vocabulary society has created for us to describe the world around us. As I write this, it doesn't really explain what I mean (and noted, there are flaws in my theory), but I will attempt at an example: Colors.
If I had to choose a favorite color it would be red. Your favorite color might be blue (it might not be, but bear with me). What if the hue that I see as red is what you see as blue. Maybe my green is your purple…. However, we both call a fire truck red because that is what we've been taught to call it. We call the sky blue because that's what we've been taught. I would love to get inside someone else's brain sometime and just see what they see. How is it different from what I see? And not just visually, but emotionally and philosophically.
This has bothered me lately because of my single status. As a single person I am regularly asked to describe myself to strange men (and by strange I mean unfamiliar to me, not unusual although some of them undoubtedly are odd). I try to do this accurately, but how in the world am I supposed to describe myself as others see me when I have no idea how others see me? Sometimes I think I'm being arrogant, making myself seem better than others probably see me. Other times I think I'm selling myself short, but I have no idea whats truly accurate.
To further complicate matters what is accurate to one person may not be to another—because a huge part of our own perception has to do with our past experiences. What may seem like "outgoing" to one person, is "pushy" to another. Or on a more physical slant, what may be "curvy" to one man is "a fat-ass" to another (by the way, if you're willing to describe anyone as a fat-ass, you're not worth my time. The only reason I use it here is because recently I saw this on someone's profile and it pissed me off).
There are certain things that I think are positive traits I possess, but I wonder what others really think about them: my curiosity (some might say "Does she ever stop asking questions?"), my love of educating others ("What a know-it-all"), I am straightforward ("blunt, abrupt, rude"even though I do know what tact is), practical & realistic ("pessimistic"—not true, I believe things are good and will get better most of the time), communicative ("Please shut up"), passionate ("emotional & moody"), etc.
I've told people for years I'm a bit of a contradiction because I am a creative analyst, a dominant leader who follows the rules, an artistic mind that understands math. I took a personality test (DISC) that scored me as a high D/C (equal numbers for both)—Dominant Conformist. Supposedly that is extremely unusual and seemingly an oxymoron. But that's me.
I suspect more people are actually more balanced (and contridictory) than they think, but at some point in their lives they were convinced they fit into a specific category and honed that instead of allowing themselves to become more rounded. Balance is probably the one most important goals in my life. Yes, I want to find true love and happiness, but I don't think that would be possible without balance.
***at some point here, this blog went a bit awry and off subject, but that's the beauty of the blog—I don't give a f***. I can say whatever I want!***
Okay back to my point about perception. I think I know things about me and I think when I describe myself, I'm giving them my best traits, but maybe I'm not. And if I'm actually portraying a different perception than I think, how do I change that? And who's going to pipe up and tell me?
Physically people think I'm "cute." I guess it could be worse, but sometimes I want to be glamorous or beautiful or sophisticated. I want people to look up when I walk in a room (instead they can't see my head over the normal-height people) and say "Wow." But besides my wedding (and its kind of required then), I doubt that's going to happen. At least I have been told I can light up a room with my smile.
I was told last night that I am amazingly sensual and captivating (and I wasn't trying). He (and he knows who he is) said he couldn't stop thinking about my eyes (and by eyes I'm sure he meant boobs, but still). I never think of myself like that. And as much as I loved hearing it and I can't stop thinking about it, it makes me wonder what he sees that I don't. Its also kind of funny that they way I see him is not at all how he sees himself (thank God both of us are able to talk openly about ourselves).
Of course some days I look in the mirror and I feel unattractive, and it doesn't help that every height-weight chart makes me feel worse (I should probably start a campaign to burn all of them—stupid body-type Nazis). But my friends tell me I look great. Do I look great because they can overlook my physical flaws to see my inner beauty? Do I really look great and even a stranger would say that? Or do I really look like crap and they just don't want to hurt my feelings because they care about me?
And another thing that has been brought to my attention lately is the MILF (I knew about the concept of MILFs, but hadn't thought of myself in that way). Am I a MILF? Do I want to be? Is it a good thing or a bad thing? Don't know, can't decide if I care.
Well, my lunch hour is over so I'm going to have to revisit this another day, but if anyone besides me actually reads this and has any thoughts on it--even if you don't know me, please let me know!