A day of doubts

Sometimes I need the reminder. Sometimes I need someone to say “…It’s okay that you’re still single…It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you…It doesn’t mean that you will always be single…it probably means that when you do start dating the right guy it’s more likely to work out because you waited for him…” blah blah blah.

I know that this is a tough time of year for me. My birthday has been for the last several years. It seems like holidays are supposed to be spent with your family and I have plenty of that, but birthday are supposed to be spent partying with your favorite peers…I’m not sure I have so many of those that really care. Do most people have to plan their own birthday parties, or is that just me?

Am I happy for my friends that got engaged last week (2)? Yes. Does it hurt that one of them just got divorced earlier this year and I’ve been divorced over three? Yes. Is it okay for me to admit that? I don’t know.

Am I soooo excited to get two new second cousins (ETA: make that three) in a few months? Very much. Am I heartbroken that I want another child so badly, but that it may be too late by the time I find that guy up in paragraph one? Yeah, more than you know.

Do I feel horribly guilty about these feelings? You betcha. Should I? Don’t know. Is this just human?

I know there’s a possibility I’ve found him.

Enough doubting myself for today. Maybe now that these questions and doubts are out there, they’ll stop bouncing around in my head.

Did you read it?

I feel like I'm spinning my wheels.

Do people really think I send out work emails just because I enjoy doing it? Can anyone follow written instructions? Seriously? Didn't we learn that in first grade? I want to put a sign up on my desk that says "Just read what was sent and let me get back to work." Or maybe the slightly more snarky: "What did the directions say?" I'm not in the mood today.

More than once someone has said "I don't remember getting your email..." actually I know you got it, you just didn't bother reading it. I'm glad the things I say seem so insignificant to everyone else.

I think I need some sleep, or hard liquor. blech.

Why I recommend...

...divorce

* You'll learn who your friends are.
* You'll learn who YOU are. Make decisions for YOU. self-discovery, new hobbies, etc.
* Your relationship with sex will (can) change.
* You will learn how strong you really are.
* You get the whole bed to yourself. Cereal for dinner whenever you want.
* You get a second chance on life.

Disclaimer: NO, of course I'm not recommending divorce. I'm just looking on the bright side and examining the positive things I gained from my own hardship.

Give me the strength...

I'm in a lot of pain this morning (it is still morning, right? yup, it's only 10:30). I was so looking forward to a night out with the girls. I didn't have to drive home so I had four mojitos, spread out over about 4 or 5 hours. By the time I got home, I could barely walk.

A couple years ago (sometime after my daughter was born) I started noticing that occasionally when I drink I get what looks like a rash on my legs and feet. But it wasn't a rash. It wasn't raised, it didn't itch and it was more like a change in the color of my skin. A year ago, for the first time it became painful. Along with the red dots along my legs and feet, I also had some serious swelling and aching.

While I was training for my half marathon I stopped drinking for several months and I think I've drank about 4 times this summer. Last night by the end of the night, I had cankles as bad as when I was pregnant and painful swelling in the entire lower half of my legs. It only seems to happen when I drink. WTH is that all about?

Unfortunately I'm still in pain today and my normally very nice legs are not very pretty either :( So I'm going to have to make some changes...again. And I'm kind of pouty about it.