Monday, August 17, 2009

A day of doubts

Sometimes I need the reminder. Sometimes I need someone to say “…It’s okay that you’re still single…It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you…It doesn’t mean that you will always be single…it probably means that when you do start dating the right guy it’s more likely to work out because you waited for him…” blah blah blah.

I know that this is a tough time of year for me. My birthday has been for the last several years. It seems like holidays are supposed to be spent with your family and I have plenty of that, but birthday are supposed to be spent partying with your favorite peers…I’m not sure I have so many of those that really care. Do most people have to plan their own birthday parties, or is that just me?

Am I happy for my friends that got engaged last week (2)? Yes. Does it hurt that one of them just got divorced earlier this year and I’ve been divorced over three? Yes. Is it okay for me to admit that? I don’t know.

Am I soooo excited to get two new second cousins (ETA: make that three) in a few months? Very much. Am I heartbroken that I want another child so badly, but that it may be too late by the time I find that guy up in paragraph one? Yeah, more than you know.

Do I feel horribly guilty about these feelings? You betcha. Should I? Don’t know. Is this just human?

I know there’s a possibility I’ve found him.

Enough doubting myself for today. Maybe now that these questions and doubts are out there, they’ll stop bouncing around in my head.

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