Thursday, March 17, 2011

Body Betrayal

I know that none of us have complete control over our bodies and health, but it's still extremely frustrating sometimes. Obviously over the past year or so this has been a struggle for me. The loss of control has become more acute to me as I've gone on more and more medications and supplements to try to prevent inflammation and infection, keep my energy levels up and keep in check the other organs that have gone out of whack.
Today I was betrayed by my body once again. I had decided to try Mirena for birth control. For those not in the know, Mirena is an interuterine device, meaning it is inserted in the uterus and releases hormones for up to five years to prevent pregnancy. I had talked to my gynecologist and after I got a relatively clean bill of health after being treated for cervical abnormalities (surgery last December), we were going to do the insertion today. Unfortunately my cervix will not allow the IUD to pass through to the uterus. He tried a couple times (I tried my damnest not to cry from the cramping) and it wouldn't go. He said he could have forced it, but at the risk of causing infection or other injury, didn't feel that would be a good idea. I started to cry. Not because of the pain (not that it wasn't awful), but because of the betrayal. My body not allowing me to do something I wanted - yet again.
So we went another route. I'm not sure what the cost will be yet - I'm trying not to worry about that - but I went with Implanon instead and I was able to get that done today. Implanon is a small flexible rod that is implanted in my upper arm. It releases the same hormones as Mirena and it is left in for 3 years. I think in a week or so I'll be fine with this option and possibly even see benefits to it compared to Mirena, but I feel so betrayed right now it's hard to see the good side. Thankfully I had included Implanon in my research so it wasn't a completely foreign option to me.
The doctor did tell me something else interesting though that is helping me feel a little better about something else. He said that the problem with  my cervix would probably prevent me from ever birthing a child vaginally. I had already decided that I will not have any more children (hence the long-term contraception) ... partly because I am ready to continue forward with my life with the family I have not and love rather than add to it; and partly because having more children would not be a sound decision with my current (and future) health condition.
But the one hard part in all this for me was the strong desire to have the pregnancy and birth experience I really wanted and had always imagined - a natural one (yeah, yeah, I know I'm nuts). So I guess if that is most likely an impossibility anyway, I can let go of that desire and move forward. I'm going to try to let this bitterness go and enjoy my day off shopping tomorrow and enjoy next week at work before we go on our mini-trip to Chicago.
Oh...and my blood pressure was also pretty high today (and last week when I went to the doc) so I'm a little concerned about that but worrying isn't going to help me much.

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