Friday, September 17, 2010
-6
I'm not delusional enough to think I could continue this pace, nor is it my goal, but I am happy to see the scale reading 6 pounds less than last Friday. So it's not all for naught. This weekend might be tough, but I'm going to give myself a little break and have at least one beloved Woodchuck.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Still pushing forward
So far it has been a good week. I feel like I am making some progress emotionally and physically. I'm getting active again. I've stayed on track doing Jillian Michael's 30-day shred each day and also following the Couch to 5K program.
I've reduced the amount of foods I'm eating and I'm trying to eat balanced mini meals every 2-3 hours. I'm not getting hungry even though I'm eating significantly less. It takes a lot of planning but I use SparkPeople to help me out.
I also went to the chiropractor today. My upper cervicals were a hot mess and had a lovely out-of-whack spot in the middle of my back as well. Hopefully the headaches will start to subside now. And lastly, next week I will be starting a detox program to try to clean out the old liver before I start on the chemo drugs. Although I am a little frightened of the methotrexate, I've decided to try using it and see how it goes. But I want to try to avoid toxicity if at all possible (obviously).
In addition, I'm looking into some additional vitamin supplements to keep my immune system up and combat the fatigue. I'm also considering making some changes to my allergy meds, but I'm going to wait until after the fall allergy season is over before doing that.
I've reduced the amount of foods I'm eating and I'm trying to eat balanced mini meals every 2-3 hours. I'm not getting hungry even though I'm eating significantly less. It takes a lot of planning but I use SparkPeople to help me out.
I also went to the chiropractor today. My upper cervicals were a hot mess and had a lovely out-of-whack spot in the middle of my back as well. Hopefully the headaches will start to subside now. And lastly, next week I will be starting a detox program to try to clean out the old liver before I start on the chemo drugs. Although I am a little frightened of the methotrexate, I've decided to try using it and see how it goes. But I want to try to avoid toxicity if at all possible (obviously).
In addition, I'm looking into some additional vitamin supplements to keep my immune system up and combat the fatigue. I'm also considering making some changes to my allergy meds, but I'm going to wait until after the fall allergy season is over before doing that.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Forming a plan...
I've worked up a general plan of how to get back into the game that I consider MY life. I'm going to start slowly...like I've never worked out before (because honestly, sometimes I feel that way despite the fact that the mini marathon was just 4 months ago).
That includes two things: 1) using the couch to 5k program starting at week 1; and 2) starting the Jillian Michaels (I hate that woman) 30-day shred at level 1 (again).
Plus I'm going to start working on diet. First step will be reducing portions, but eating more often - every three hours. Then next month I'm going to work on adding more veggies, fruits and whole grains and start phasing out the processed foods - FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY.
I started today.
That includes two things: 1) using the couch to 5k program starting at week 1; and 2) starting the Jillian Michaels (I hate that woman) 30-day shred at level 1 (again).
Plus I'm going to start working on diet. First step will be reducing portions, but eating more often - every three hours. Then next month I'm going to work on adding more veggies, fruits and whole grains and start phasing out the processed foods - FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY.
I started today.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Where to go from here? Part 2
So here it is - part two. This is the part where I talk about how I feel…more emotional than physical. Physically, right now, I’m just more tired than normal, but otherwise mostly okay. But emotionally, I’m kind of starting to feel like a wreck, and I may be making it worse by keeping a lot of that in to spare the other people in my life.
I am relieved to find out SOMETHING is going on and know now WHAT that something is. I tried to tell my general practitioner back in April that I felt “off.” That I thought my thyroid or something was acting up because I didn’t feel normal. My appetite was out of whack and I just didn’t feel right. I know that’s kind of vague, but it’s the best I can do. He said I hadn’t gained weight in the past 6 months so he didn’t see any reason to do any tests. (I, frankly, expected more from a doctor of osteopathy.) So then in June all hell breaks loose and finally someone starts to listen and pay attention to my concerns. But for the past 3 months I’ve felt like I’m just treading water, waiting to find out something for sure and now I have. But in those months since April, I’ve gained about 20 pounds, and in the last 16 months, I’ve gained almost 50 pounds. THAT is NOT normal for me. Granted I don’t lose weight very easily, but I don’t tend to gain it all that quickly either. I’m angry at myself for being weak and allowing this to happen. I’m angry at my GP for not listening to me and I wonder if I could have prevented some of this. I’m scared that I won’t be able to fix this and that I am destined to be this obese for the rest of my life. And I’m embarrassed by myself. I haven’t been this down about my body … well, maybe ever. And I’m trying so hard to push it down and be in denial that I’m only making things worse.
BUT with the results of my blood tests, my thyroid is a little bit off even with the Synthroid that I am currently on. So maybe if my GP will tweak my prescription a bit, it will help me lose a little weight. But what about the rest though? Some of my weight gain can be attributed to medical issues, but a lot of it is also the mental challenges that have come with that. I would like to think of myself as strong, but I wasn’t strong enough for this.
So I’ll have my thyroid meds changed. But that’s not all. Next up is the prescription for methotrexate that I have in my purse. Methotrexate is basically a chemotherapy drug. However, in my case, I won’t be having it injected directly into my veins; I’ll be taking it once a week in pill form. The reason the salivary gland infections keep coming back is because I have chronic inflammation in those glands so they cannot drain properly. Steroids this summer finally got me back to normal for a while, but that is only a temporary fix. The methotrexate will help combat the problem, but it can also cause some toxicity buildup in my liver and/or kidneys (which thankfully are fine right now). The fact that it is used to terminate pregnancies scares me as well (not that I have any plans of being pregnant). Maybe now is the time to consider a more permanent form of birth control though…?
I also need to consider the possibility of medications to manage the dry eyes, mouth, nose, etc caused by Sjogrens. Right now I take allergy medication daily to control the crazy sneezing and eye irritation I would get at work if I didn’t take it. BUT that medication is also drying me out. So it’s this very unstable balancing act of which one is more important and when the importance of these medical priorities shift.
I hate to change my diet and exercise habits drastically while I’m also making chemical changes to my body because it becomes hard to figure out to what I can attribute any reactions in my body… or is it better to change everything at once so the transition isn’t drug out over a long period of time? How do I find a new balance with everything? And with these new challenges should I increase my antidepressant dosage as well? And are there other treatment options? Alternative medicine? Can my chiropractor help? How do I change my diet and get back into my running groove (which I am VERY out of right now)? And how do I do all that and be a mom to my 5-yr-old as she evolves into a responsible student in kindergarten? And be a good girlfriend? And not put the job that I love (most of the time) in jeopardy. It’s a lot to consider and seeing it as a whole has me feeling very anxious right now. I’m just not sure yet how to break it down.
I am relieved to find out SOMETHING is going on and know now WHAT that something is. I tried to tell my general practitioner back in April that I felt “off.” That I thought my thyroid or something was acting up because I didn’t feel normal. My appetite was out of whack and I just didn’t feel right. I know that’s kind of vague, but it’s the best I can do. He said I hadn’t gained weight in the past 6 months so he didn’t see any reason to do any tests. (I, frankly, expected more from a doctor of osteopathy.) So then in June all hell breaks loose and finally someone starts to listen and pay attention to my concerns. But for the past 3 months I’ve felt like I’m just treading water, waiting to find out something for sure and now I have. But in those months since April, I’ve gained about 20 pounds, and in the last 16 months, I’ve gained almost 50 pounds. THAT is NOT normal for me. Granted I don’t lose weight very easily, but I don’t tend to gain it all that quickly either. I’m angry at myself for being weak and allowing this to happen. I’m angry at my GP for not listening to me and I wonder if I could have prevented some of this. I’m scared that I won’t be able to fix this and that I am destined to be this obese for the rest of my life. And I’m embarrassed by myself. I haven’t been this down about my body … well, maybe ever. And I’m trying so hard to push it down and be in denial that I’m only making things worse.
BUT with the results of my blood tests, my thyroid is a little bit off even with the Synthroid that I am currently on. So maybe if my GP will tweak my prescription a bit, it will help me lose a little weight. But what about the rest though? Some of my weight gain can be attributed to medical issues, but a lot of it is also the mental challenges that have come with that. I would like to think of myself as strong, but I wasn’t strong enough for this.
So I’ll have my thyroid meds changed. But that’s not all. Next up is the prescription for methotrexate that I have in my purse. Methotrexate is basically a chemotherapy drug. However, in my case, I won’t be having it injected directly into my veins; I’ll be taking it once a week in pill form. The reason the salivary gland infections keep coming back is because I have chronic inflammation in those glands so they cannot drain properly. Steroids this summer finally got me back to normal for a while, but that is only a temporary fix. The methotrexate will help combat the problem, but it can also cause some toxicity buildup in my liver and/or kidneys (which thankfully are fine right now). The fact that it is used to terminate pregnancies scares me as well (not that I have any plans of being pregnant). Maybe now is the time to consider a more permanent form of birth control though…?
I also need to consider the possibility of medications to manage the dry eyes, mouth, nose, etc caused by Sjogrens. Right now I take allergy medication daily to control the crazy sneezing and eye irritation I would get at work if I didn’t take it. BUT that medication is also drying me out. So it’s this very unstable balancing act of which one is more important and when the importance of these medical priorities shift.
I hate to change my diet and exercise habits drastically while I’m also making chemical changes to my body because it becomes hard to figure out to what I can attribute any reactions in my body… or is it better to change everything at once so the transition isn’t drug out over a long period of time? How do I find a new balance with everything? And with these new challenges should I increase my antidepressant dosage as well? And are there other treatment options? Alternative medicine? Can my chiropractor help? How do I change my diet and get back into my running groove (which I am VERY out of right now)? And how do I do all that and be a mom to my 5-yr-old as she evolves into a responsible student in kindergarten? And be a good girlfriend? And not put the job that I love (most of the time) in jeopardy. It’s a lot to consider and seeing it as a whole has me feeling very anxious right now. I’m just not sure yet how to break it down.
A diagnosis - Part 1
Boring name for a blog, but for the first time in quite a while, I'm feeling the need to write a bit. I have a lot of anxiety and messy stuff bumping around in my brain and the best way for me to straighten it all out is to write it out and hope it starts to make sense (to ME).
So we'll start at the beginning - explaining how I got to where I am today. Part 2 will be the anxious part.
Not too long after Annyka was born, in November of 2005, I started getting some swelling in my neck, below the ear and behind my jaw. I don't remember which side of my face it was on, but it doesn't really matter. It progressively got worse over a few weeks, but I had also been having some severe allergies and inner ear fluid causing vertigo, so I was assuming that it was all related and that the meds my doc had already prescribed would help. The Sunday after Thanksgiving I could barely eat due to the swelling and pain and my body was feeling achy and exhausted with infection so I went to the doctor. Antibiotics were prescribed. They didn't help. More antibiotics were prescribed. Still little change. The infection would clear up, but the swollen gland didn't get better. Eventually with the help of acupuncture, TENS electric pulse therapy and A LOT of warm compresses and massage the area drained and went down.
Over the last five years, when I get a sinus infections I would likely get infection and swelling in one or both of my largest salivary glands - the parotid glands. I would put off going on antibiotics as long as possible since they never seemed to help and I also started avoiding going to the doctor since it seemed pointless.
However, in June of this year, I woke up on a Sunday morning at 4 am with a raging infection. Fever, aches, very painful parotitis and general crappy feelings. Since this was the third or fourth time with parotitis in the past 6 months, I had reached a threshold. I was self-referring myself to an ENT. I fully expected to hear that I would have to have my tonsils or adenoids or something like that removed. I did not expect what she said instead...
She asked if I had dry eyes. Well, yeah I do. I deal with it just like everything else, but yeah, I've had problems with my eyes for about 10 years. Then she asked if I'd heard of Sjogrens Syndrome. I hadn't. She was surprised no other doctors had mentioned it. That is one of the most common causes of the swollen parotid glands. So I had some tests: a few blood tests, a CT scan and fine needle biopsy. The CT scan showed some abnormalities, but the biopsy came back with good results. The blood tests surprised me the most. My ANA number was off the charts - this means I have antibodies in my blood that indicate an autoimmune disorder. So off to another specialist I go.
I researched rheumatologist and found one that I was comfortable with - AND could fit me in in a reasonable time period. I had A LOT more blood tests (14 vials and several thousand dollars worth). And the results came back yesterday - it IS Sjogren's Syndrome and now I move forward with treatment.
The good news is that the thyroid issues, the weird vasculitis in my legs and feet (hard to describe, easier if you can see it, but basically my blood vessels swell and you can see blood under the surface of my skin as petechiae or purpura), the dry eyes, the recurring parotitis and the exhaustion have an explanation...the hard part is making some treatment decisions and reversing some of the damage that has been done over the past year. And that is where the anxiety comes in.
To be continued.
So we'll start at the beginning - explaining how I got to where I am today. Part 2 will be the anxious part.
Not too long after Annyka was born, in November of 2005, I started getting some swelling in my neck, below the ear and behind my jaw. I don't remember which side of my face it was on, but it doesn't really matter. It progressively got worse over a few weeks, but I had also been having some severe allergies and inner ear fluid causing vertigo, so I was assuming that it was all related and that the meds my doc had already prescribed would help. The Sunday after Thanksgiving I could barely eat due to the swelling and pain and my body was feeling achy and exhausted with infection so I went to the doctor. Antibiotics were prescribed. They didn't help. More antibiotics were prescribed. Still little change. The infection would clear up, but the swollen gland didn't get better. Eventually with the help of acupuncture, TENS electric pulse therapy and A LOT of warm compresses and massage the area drained and went down.
Over the last five years, when I get a sinus infections I would likely get infection and swelling in one or both of my largest salivary glands - the parotid glands. I would put off going on antibiotics as long as possible since they never seemed to help and I also started avoiding going to the doctor since it seemed pointless.
However, in June of this year, I woke up on a Sunday morning at 4 am with a raging infection. Fever, aches, very painful parotitis and general crappy feelings. Since this was the third or fourth time with parotitis in the past 6 months, I had reached a threshold. I was self-referring myself to an ENT. I fully expected to hear that I would have to have my tonsils or adenoids or something like that removed. I did not expect what she said instead...
She asked if I had dry eyes. Well, yeah I do. I deal with it just like everything else, but yeah, I've had problems with my eyes for about 10 years. Then she asked if I'd heard of Sjogrens Syndrome. I hadn't. She was surprised no other doctors had mentioned it. That is one of the most common causes of the swollen parotid glands. So I had some tests: a few blood tests, a CT scan and fine needle biopsy. The CT scan showed some abnormalities, but the biopsy came back with good results. The blood tests surprised me the most. My ANA number was off the charts - this means I have antibodies in my blood that indicate an autoimmune disorder. So off to another specialist I go.
I researched rheumatologist and found one that I was comfortable with - AND could fit me in in a reasonable time period. I had A LOT more blood tests (14 vials and several thousand dollars worth). And the results came back yesterday - it IS Sjogren's Syndrome and now I move forward with treatment.
The good news is that the thyroid issues, the weird vasculitis in my legs and feet (hard to describe, easier if you can see it, but basically my blood vessels swell and you can see blood under the surface of my skin as petechiae or purpura), the dry eyes, the recurring parotitis and the exhaustion have an explanation...the hard part is making some treatment decisions and reversing some of the damage that has been done over the past year. And that is where the anxiety comes in.
To be continued.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Knock on wood
Maybe if I list all the horrible things that have happened to me since I returned home the bad luck fairies will leave me alone...a bulleted list:
*My storage unit was robbed.
*I got conjunctivitis in both eyes.
*I got a cold sore on my lower lip.
*My daughter has a cold and cough.
*I have a cold and am getting the cough.
*I got charged an extra $100+ for a subscription I thought I cancelled.
*My child support payments are screwed up.
*My daughter broke one of our Christmas ornaments last night despite me telling her a million times it was glass and would break. (possibly my fault for having it at all).
*I left out the milk (just bought the day before) on Thanksgiving while making green bean casserole and just realized it Sunday night (yummy).
*I tripped in my kitchen this morning and now my foot and ankle are both bruised and swollen.
*My personal laptop seems to be still suffering from the virus it had before I left for vacation.
That might be it...I'll add more if I've forgotten something.
I am going to try to start being thankful now.
*My storage unit was robbed.
*I got conjunctivitis in both eyes.
*I got a cold sore on my lower lip.
*My daughter has a cold and cough.
*I have a cold and am getting the cough.
*I got charged an extra $100+ for a subscription I thought I cancelled.
*My child support payments are screwed up.
*My daughter broke one of our Christmas ornaments last night despite me telling her a million times it was glass and would break. (possibly my fault for having it at all).
*I left out the milk (just bought the day before) on Thanksgiving while making green bean casserole and just realized it Sunday night (yummy).
*I tripped in my kitchen this morning and now my foot and ankle are both bruised and swollen.
*My personal laptop seems to be still suffering from the virus it had before I left for vacation.
That might be it...I'll add more if I've forgotten something.
I am going to try to start being thankful now.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Like a butterfly
I constantly feel like I'm transforming. I realize that's not a terrible thing. In fact, I kind of like change (is that blasphemous for a human to admit? Aren't we supposed to hate it?). It makes me giddy sometimes. BUT sometimes I just want to BE. To sit still for a few seconds and enjoy.
I think that's part of what's holding me back in my current relationship. I like him. I have fun as "us." Part of me wants to move in together, but that means I'll be transforming into something else. No longer a "single mom" - something I've been longer than I was a wife (yeah, I officially passed the divorced longer than married point). And then this part of me says but but but what if he wants to have another kid right away? What if we just keep moving forward and never stop to figure out what's going on NOW. How can I just stop time and be here?
In the last ten years I went from college student, to engaged college student, to engaged adult (although now I look back on it and consider myself more of a pseudo-adult), to jilted adult, to new-relationship adult, married adult, married mom, divorced single mom, dating mom (scary, really quite frightening), in-a-relationship but still living independently of him mom...am I really ready to add another stage in this short period of time? (Yikes, when did 10 years become a relatively "short period of time" in my life?)
Musing done.
I think that's part of what's holding me back in my current relationship. I like him. I have fun as "us." Part of me wants to move in together, but that means I'll be transforming into something else. No longer a "single mom" - something I've been longer than I was a wife (yeah, I officially passed the divorced longer than married point). And then this part of me says but but but what if he wants to have another kid right away? What if we just keep moving forward and never stop to figure out what's going on NOW. How can I just stop time and be here?
In the last ten years I went from college student, to engaged college student, to engaged adult (although now I look back on it and consider myself more of a pseudo-adult), to jilted adult, to new-relationship adult, married adult, married mom, divorced single mom, dating mom (scary, really quite frightening), in-a-relationship but still living independently of him mom...am I really ready to add another stage in this short period of time? (Yikes, when did 10 years become a relatively "short period of time" in my life?)
Musing done.
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