I am tackling a new 30-day project today…but, Nicki, you do that all the time. Yes, that’s true, but today I’m going to document it all on this blog. With…wait for it…pictures. Of me.
I feel like I’ve lost me. The last time I lost me, it was a completely different situation and a divorce and the two years after are what finally brought me back. Now, it’s my own fault. I can’t blame a bad marriage or mate. Well, not entirely my fault, a big part of it has to do with my health.
Finding out I’m not the healthy person I want to be is tough. I want to be invincible, with nothing worse than the occasional (AND fixable) sinus infection. But I’m not and that is hard for me to wrap my brain around. A little over a year ago I decided on my own that I don’t want to have any additional children. Pregnancy was tough on me and I would like the opportunity to enjoy my own adulthood without children before I (hope) to have grandchildren. However, making that decision on my own is one thing, having a doctor tell me I may not have the choice, is entirely another.
In the past year or so I’ve also gotten away from taking photos of me. I have very few. This is an exciting time in my life. Annyka and I are in the place I’ve wanted to be for the past five years, but I’ve barely documented it because I’m ashamed of me. So I’m going to stop that.
There’re many pieces to my loss and grieving, but a big part of it is the giving up of control. So I plan to take it back. And I will do that in two ways.
1. I will take on a self-conceived fitness challenge. I will be working out every day for 30 days. I dreamt of running last night, but unfortunately because of my still-weak-from-Thanksgiving-sprain ankle, I’m not quite ready for outdoor running yet (not with this stupid ice), but I may tackle the treadmill this week. Some days I might do my new balance disk workout; some days might be medicine ball; some days dance; others at the gym, but I’m doing something each day and hope to see some kind of change in my body during that time.But even if I don't lose weight, I want to like the body I do have more.
2. I also pledge to become more affectionate towards Scott during this time. I’m not going to go into detail on this, but I do care for him and I’ve struggled to show that lately.
My goal during all this is appreciate me more. Who I am now…not necessarily who I was two years ago. After my divorce I had to learn to love who I was and photos helped me get there. I had to look at myself as others did. I hope to do that again.
So today is the day I start. My first post will be next. Happy Valentine’s Day! I love you; thanks for reading.